Saturday, October 15, 2005
"Juugatsu Soliloquy"
This month has been weird to me... I'm starting to feel alive right at the start of it, but now I feel dismal, as if I dread the coming of something.
That day... That's probably it. The only day of the year that I should feel so important about myself, that I should be with the people I am connected to. Interesting, however, that I don't want to. When I was a kid, I loved all that attention, but now I want to get away from it, for only that day.
It's hard to explain, really. Its as if I want to say that "I want to be in one with the world," but I'm not talking about this world, because this world is the "human world" where every human is the master of each other. Where they see only with the limits of what is the physical, because they live their lives on this world.
Confused right now I take it. To put it simply, I just want to be at peace with what I am. The feeling I want... Its like I want to be sitting on the golden-green grassy shore of a lake sipping a warm cup of tea, beneath a looming tree, merely looking at the pristine crystalline waters with the light of a full moon shining down upon it, and a mild breeze blowing keeping me cool.
Now can this satisfying feeling still be possible to attain. Because that feeling would be nigh-on impossible in this world. Perhaps back then, it could've been quite possible. Back then... Hmm... A past life's reminiscence? Or perhaps life in another world even. No matter, thinking of such, will make me desire of returning to that existence even more.
I can now imagine some friends telling me that I should just get a girlfriend to solve my emotional problems. Preposterous, for to me, the feeling of being in bliss with the world and being in bliss with someone are two entirely different emotions.
Thus in the end, even if other people say that I can attain a feeling close to, or even a feeling better than what I seek, I shall never be able to achieve the feeling that I had yearned for, that peace of oneness I seek with a world that doesn't exist anymore.
That day... That's probably it. The only day of the year that I should feel so important about myself, that I should be with the people I am connected to. Interesting, however, that I don't want to. When I was a kid, I loved all that attention, but now I want to get away from it, for only that day.
It's hard to explain, really. Its as if I want to say that "I want to be in one with the world," but I'm not talking about this world, because this world is the "human world" where every human is the master of each other. Where they see only with the limits of what is the physical, because they live their lives on this world.
Confused right now I take it. To put it simply, I just want to be at peace with what I am. The feeling I want... Its like I want to be sitting on the golden-green grassy shore of a lake sipping a warm cup of tea, beneath a looming tree, merely looking at the pristine crystalline waters with the light of a full moon shining down upon it, and a mild breeze blowing keeping me cool.
Now can this satisfying feeling still be possible to attain. Because that feeling would be nigh-on impossible in this world. Perhaps back then, it could've been quite possible. Back then... Hmm... A past life's reminiscence? Or perhaps life in another world even. No matter, thinking of such, will make me desire of returning to that existence even more.
I can now imagine some friends telling me that I should just get a girlfriend to solve my emotional problems. Preposterous, for to me, the feeling of being in bliss with the world and being in bliss with someone are two entirely different emotions.
Thus in the end, even if other people say that I can attain a feeling close to, or even a feeling better than what I seek, I shall never be able to achieve the feeling that I had yearned for, that peace of oneness I seek with a world that doesn't exist anymore.
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